The body

In this empty room I sit and crave. In this blank mind, I sit and desire.

For sex. For kiss. For touch.

I learnt that stares violate women.The learning empowered me. I had words for all those violations I had faced. I knew I could counter violations to come with braveness.

And then I reached this place, this space. Surrounded with people who seek me for the words I have to offer, for the concern that I have to show. But here in this place and space, I am de-sexualised. I am no longer coveted for, I am no longer desired. My body is absent, invisible. I am only what people see me. A good friend.

All of me revolts. In blinding anger. Against this gaze, this new lesson learnt.

of loves and friends

boundaries blur. old memories come rushing in, slowly at first, but gradually gaining moementum and heaviness. bringing in feelings of a painful love, long forgotten and long removed from.

i want to hold on to it. make it mine. erase from that love all that wont fit in. and fill it with the most possessive love i could muster. keep it caged. for me to touch it tenderly when i wish to. take it out and stare at it till my heart fills up with joy for being the owner of such a love.

but i dont. absolutes float in heavily. irrevocability spreads its wings and settles down. the pain rushes in from the gut and disperses over the chest in the most uncomfortable manner possible. and i sit stunned and afraid at all the churning that my heart can conjure up at the most unexpected times.

for distractions the mind and heart craves.